Really an off day for me, followed by not one of the best meal services. At week 29, we should be moving forward, but over the last few weeks I feel like we have moved ten steps back. Undoubtedly, I have not mastered balancing everything well, and all too often, my writing career impinges on the nonprofit. Sometimes, I feel like the more that I write about the homeless's hardships and obstacles, the more involved I become in recognizing and feeling their pain. It has become a personal mission of mine to draw awareness to the obstacles that surround them, and I can't break free from it. I also feel as though I an incapable of writing about anything else. Problem is, no one wants to pay me a living wage to write about the homeless population.
In society, the predominant tendency has been to ignore the homeless, to blame them for their problems. After all, blaming them means that society doesn't have to empathize with their situation. Something is seriously wrong with this viewpoint. It is a deleterious approach that affects every aspect of their life. They have trouble getting a job, finding adequate shelter, getting someone to acknowledge them -- gosh, it's nothing short of heartbreaking. Why? Why does society block out or push aside anything that they label as "too painful to feel?"
Sometimes I wonder, are we being affective in their population? Can they rely on us to always be there for them? And then I remember, that I need them more then they need me...I can't imagine my world without them. They have given me strength, probably more than any of them will every know. So when I push through the criticism, I remind myself that fighting for what is right isn't about me...it's about them and I have to continue to do what is right. After all, people will always attack what they don't understand. And that's okay. I forgive them, but I don't accept their criticism. It's theirs to carry around. If I let them affect my decisions, then it hurts the homeless. It's all or nothing for me.
I'm okay with people who don't understand why I have to do this and think that I am crazy, or that "there must be something wrong in my life that I need to fix their lives." All I can say is that I didn't ask to do this. It wasn't one of the top five career choices for me. It just happened, and while I may have witnessed a lot of people come and go in my life b/c of the time spent on the nonprofit -- I don't regret any of it. And, if I had to do it all over again, I would...without questioning it. In the end, I didn't choose to do this, it chose me...and so I don't have a choice, I have to push through.
Tonight, we learned that one of our homeless clients was murdered last night. Because we have hundreds of clients, I can't specifically recall by her name alone, which homeless individual she was. I just have a terrible feeling that it was the one we have been working with on the street. She had been really hard to help, and looking back now, I don't think I did enough for her.
We skipped passing out supplies on N Tryon tonight, and I deeply regret this now...I really should have gone. It literally breaks my heart to think that they are probably freezing on the streets tonight. I am forever grateful that the New Charlotte Church is supplying us with hundreds of blankets, it was just the blessing that we needed this winter.
On my way home tonight, there were countless homeless individuals wrapped in tarps and blankets under the overpass. I almost felt overwhelmed, not in the full sense of the word, but just in combination with the week and meal service...I just realized that I have to do more. I also have to remind myself that my volunteers are truly amazing individuals and that I am blessed that they have a desire to serve -- but I know that the time that they serve is generally a fleeting moment, and I can't always be so dependent on them. It just means that I have to dig a little deeper and realign myself with the quote that started it all..."Be the change you wish to see in the world."
"Always do good to others. Be selfless. Mentally remove everything and be free. This is divine life."
